Emotional project…

Some very dear friends and I make up the board of directors for Walk to Remember, an annual memorial event for bereaved parents. This will be this event’s 5th year, but our first year as a group. The prior four years were run by the founders, who decided it was time to pass the torch.

The event is truly amazing, and absolutely moving. Over 600 people came last year, and we’re expecting even more this time. It is so sad to enumerate all of the missing babies in my mind, but I prefer to be grateful that the families have found us and will be taking part in the event with so many others.

My job for the event is to secure some bereavement-related vendors for the day. Memorial items, candles, scrapbooking, memorial jewelry, etc. My friend Jeri does Heritage Makers Storybooks, and signed on immediately. The books she sells are unreal… and we decided that I should create a memory book in Rowan’s honor as a display to show at the day of the walk.

Well… I took it on as a mission. How neat it would be to have another way to share her pictures! And here I am in tears, at my desk… trying to get this thing completed. It is turning out beautifully, but I was fooling myself when I thought it would be an easy thing to do.

I have been transported back in time to those days in December 1999 when we first laid eyes on this precious little bundle, and then had to say goodbye. I have taken out her pictures and have been seeing anew how strained our faces looked, how small she was.

My god – how much I miss her.

One of the things I wrote in her storybook mentioned that I recall how she smelled so sweet, like she was coated in sugar. As I wrote it this morning, and as am typing it here for you now – I can smell her. Its incredible.

I cannot wait to share Rowan’s Storybook with you all.

Adoption Stalker!

My friends Jill, Jenny and I were adoption stalkers last night. Well, not really, because they knew we were coming, but we were parked outside my friends Jen and Brian’s house last night as they arrived home from picking their new son up from Las Vegas. Baby Carson is sweeter than any picture could ever show. Check him out on their blog here. Could there be any luckier children in the world than those who are blessed to be brought into a family through adoption? Welcome Home Carson! And a giant hug to Jen and Brian! I look forward to watching him develop and grow into your beautiful family! So much love…

Those little things… creepin up on ya!

It was a day like any other day… it was a Thursday… and I had dinner plans with friends. I woke up at 7ish to a child poking me with a finger on my nose. Mama, you change me? I send my youngest off to locate a diaper and roll over and scratch my husbands back. He groans and stretches luxuriously on his side of our sleep number bed. We snuggle and pretend we are on a desert island with four nannies to cater to the spawn and breakfast on its way to us in bed. The dogs start to whinny and our little magical dream pops like a soap bubble and we’re off… I am making breakfast and getting my oldest ready for school. A flurry of waffles and orange juice, cheerios and milk. A cuppa tea and toast for me and I sit down at my desk to start my day with my usual round of news sites and email. Mike is home, puttering around getting ready for work. The three younger kids are home today and are still at the breakfast table. Bye daddy! Bye daddy! Shouts and kisses all around. He pops into the office and chats with me, I remind him that I have plans tonight and then we say our goodbyes. During the day I speak to him maybe three or four times. We discuss shopping lists, funny things going on at the office, and just checking in. I remind him again that I have plans. The day rolls along with errands and chores, me and my three youngest doing our thing. The evening rolls around and I am getting ready for my dinner date with my girlfriends. I have already made arrangements for pizza to be delivered as Mike comes in and we visit in the kitchen. He goes through the mail as I update him on our happenings of the day. I see the time and kiss everyone goodbye. I’m off! About an hour later we are nibbling on salads when my phone rings and it is Mike. I brace myself, preparing to be made the butt of a sarcastic comment like – “So, when was the last time you changed a diaper today?”.

Me: Hello? Husband: Hey, how’s it going? Me: Fine, what’s up? Husband: Hey, um… just in case I… um don’t talk to you tonight, if I am asleep when you get home… I wanted to tell you… Me: Yes? Husband: Well… um… Happy Anniversary. … silence.

I am totally blown away and we start to laugh. He confesses that it was my father who called him to wish him a happy anniversary. He says to my dad, is that today? Nah… what is the date? And my dad, thinking that Mike will be in the doghouse until at least Christmas asks where his daughter is. Now it is Mike’s laugh as he tells him I am out with friends. I have never ever missed our anniversary, never. In 17 years this is the first time I have not made a small to-do about our anniversary. And now this. What’s worse is that I have to explain to my three friends that I have totally blown it and Mike is on the phone thinking, shit, she has to tell her friends that I totally blew it. Our anniversary is usually not that big a deal, although we have always honored the day somehow. He popped the question on our 7th anniversary, we were married on our 8th, and on we go into the annals of history marking time with the passing of each August and the small celebration of our special day. Well, usually. That night, we’re in bed talking about it. We don’t feel bad at all about it, we are just laughing that we both forgot. I say to him, “What does that mean that we both forgot our anniversary?” He replies, “Well, as a man I am actually supposed to forget. But for you it means you don’t love me anymore.” He makes a measley attempt at a poor husband pouting at his thoughtless wife who can never bring him flowers or candy on his birthday… nice try. I have big plans for our 18th!